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I haven't weighed myself since I started changing my diet and eating choices.
I don't own a scale.
It's been over 3 weeks and I guess I was partly afraid that the number would be the same or higher.
Not because I have been doing badly but because I think I was afraid that if the number had not changed to a lower one, I would be incredibly discouraged.
I won't lie...it's been a struggle. There have been more than a couple of times that I wanted to say F*** It!!! And start eating out of control again. But I didn't.
Some days, especially the first week (hubby was out of town for work during most of it), I did spectacularly, staying within the Spark People recommended limit of 1200-1600 calories. I was so proud.
Then, after the first week, it became harder to stay within the calorie and fat gram limits. I love the Spark People website, it's a great tool in helping but seeing everyday that I was going over made me feel guilty as HELL!! But I was being brutally honest and recording EVERY morsel of food and drink that went into my mouth.
After talking with my BFF Val, she made me realize that, even with going over the calories, it wasn't because I was eating junk, I was just eating healthy foods, maybe an extra non fat, low cal yogurt or something. My choices were staying on track.
So I eased up on myself after that first week. I noticed that I settled in at about 2000 or so calories per day without feeling hungry of unfulfilled.
And that's where I've stayed. I am recording everything still but am not worrying so much if I go over something. I try to do better each day.
It seems to be working well for me because today I weighed myself and I now weight 290lbs, down from 300.
That's a little under a 3lb loss per week since I started. Healthy, do-able and realistic for me.
Here is a link to my page on Spark People: http://go.meebo.com/sparkpeople.com/86
From there you can view my daily log of what I am eating, good and occasionally 'bad'. It's helping a lot to record all that I eat; it makes me more aware and it's not something I've ever done before when trying to lose weight. Now I'm pretty obsessive about it!
I'm so happy with my progress and hope I can keep it up!
Later this morning, Monday June 22nd, I will again start a weight loss plan.
I have to. I can't take myself anymore. I am constantly in pain, from body aches to chest pain from anxiety to not being able to breathe.
I was going to just go about losing weight on my own without telling anyone but James. Then I decided the more I have it out there, write about it and talk about it, not only am I more accountable, but I can be reminded of why I am doing this.
I love this post by Chubby Chick here. In it she lists 138 reasons she wants to lose weight. I agree with pretty much all of them.
I am sick of valuing the taste of a sugary/fattening food more than health, friends, love, hobbies, activities I enjoy and more.
Food has always come first in my life for as long as I can remember and I hate it.
IT STOPS NOW!!
I'll be posting often, at least weekly with weight updates and how the struggle is going. I was going to start a separate blog for my weight loss but this is my personal blog and this weight loss battle is personal and part of my daily life so I'm including it here. It won't be all I post about but it will be a fair part of it since it's something I constantly have to deal with and battle.
I hope I win the battle this time.
Wish my luck.
…that I updated this dear blog of mine. It hit me tonight I hadn’t posted since my incredibly morbid post below and I’ve missed it!!
I’m doing much better lately…definitely much better than I was the last time I posted
Summer was good. I actually had a job for a few months…from May til August. I worked retail sales in an adult boutique and loved it. Unfortunately the owner closed the damn store suddenly. It was great while it lasted and I was feelin’ fine.
After that I kind of went blah for awhile…then in September, BAM!, I started having panic attacks for no apparent reason. I didn’t know it then though. I thought I was DYING!! After going to the ER thinking I was having a heart attack I discovered it was panic attacks and they gave me an Ativan and sent me on my way. I continued to have daily panic attacks for a couple of weeks that went on for hours. Every little thing was stressing me out so much I thought I would explode or cry forever. I finally went to my doctor and he diagnosed me with Panic Disorder and put me on Effexor XR. I’ve been on it for about 5 weeks now and though I was nervous about it after reading about it’s side effects, it’s been working great. No major attacks in about 4 weeks and though I still have alot of racing, sad, worrying thoughts, I’m grateful to have made some progress.
To add to things, James and I decided to give up our dog, Scooter. With all that was happening with my health and with me not wanting to leave the apartment, it just wasn’t fair to keep such an active, hyper dog. I loved having him and we found him a great home with an active family that has a great big yard for him and they own pet stores so I know he will get what he needs. It was hard for me though and I hope he is happy with his new family. He deserves it.
On the plus side, last week we got a kitten, Emmy, and she is just what I needed. She is a sweet little love-bug and she makes me smile often.
On a bigger plus side, my wonderfully amazing best friend and neighbor, Val, is pregnant!! No one deserves a special bundle from heaven more than she does. She has wanted it and waited so long and is the most nuturing, motherly person I know so I am a billion percent positive she will be an amazing mommy. And I will be the best Auntie EVER!! I may never have a baby of my own but I will love her child like my own and do anything for her and the lil peanut.
James and I are pretty good as well I’d say. I love him so much. I don’t know what I would do without him. He has been nothing but kind and supportive through all my crap and I owe him more than I can ever express. He’s been happy…especially since hunting season started this month. Ick! So not my thing but it makes him happy and he asks for so little…he deserves to go and rough it up, lol.
“Love is about knowing all the facts–good and bad–and caring about the person
anyway. Where romance is nuance, love is encyclopedic.” -Lainie Keslin
Ettinger
It’s back!!!
It descends like the oft-used black cloud; takes my breath away and shrouds me in misery that I don’t know the source of. It weighs so heavy on my chest that the only way to escape is sleep. It makes me whiny and miserable and scared and vulnerable and lonely. It takes away my will to do anything; to laugh, to love, to care, to be. But, it is familiar…and unwelcome.
Depression sucks.
I’m so tired of it hunting me down when I least expect it; when I think things are going fairly well, when they aren’t going well at all, when I’m happy, when I’m sad.
No one seems to understand. I am just so tired. so very tired. But here I am, choosing to write instead of wallowing; choosing to share instead of hiding. I don’t think anyone really reads my lil blog here, but I needed to write tonight, if only to get it out for once.
“In depression . . . faith in deliverance, in ultimate restoration, is absent.
The pain is unrelenting, and what makes the condition intolerable is the
foreknowledge that no remedy will come — not in a day, an hour, a month, or
a minute. . . . It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the
soul.” - William Styron
“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything,
as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it
compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a
cage without a key.” - Elizabeth Wurtzel
And a final thought….
“I wonder if any of them can tell from just looking at me that all I am is the
sum total of my pain, a raw woundedness so extreme that it might be terminal. It
might be terminal velocity, the speed of the sound of a girl falling down to a
place from where she can’t be retrieved. What if I am stuck down here for good?”
- Elizabeth Wurtzel
It’s amazing how much better a person’s outlook can be when money isn’t such a huge problem.
Bills and rent are all paid, Scooter went to the vet and got a clean bill of health, James got some new hunting gear and had fun at the archery range with a friend, I got the new Sims 2 game and had an AMAZING day out last Saturday with Val, we did a huge grocery stock up and we aren’t totally broke for once. Plus, big plus, James is back to work and we should be getting the EI we are owed from him being off 6 weeks sometime this week.
It’s been so long since we’ve been been in this place financially that it’s still new…wonderfully new. Hence, my sigh of contentment!
Night friends!
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.Life is beauty, admire it.Life is bliss, taste it.Life is a dream, realize it.Life is a challenge, meet it.Life is a duty, complete it.Life is a game, play it.Life is a promise, fulfill it.Life is sorrow, overcome it.Life is a song, sing it.Life is a struggle, accept it.Life is a tragedy, confront it.Life is an adventure, dare it.Life is luck, make it.Life is too precious, do not destroy it.Life is life, fight for it.
– Mother Teresa
Earlier today James got a call from his sister, Steph (hi Steph, hope you’re reading), to say that James is getting $3000.00 from his mom’s insurance payout. He didn’t expect to get it but his mom had written a letter before she passed stating that she did want him and his sister to get a $3000.00 portion of the insurance each. James wasn’t really counting on it or anything since it wasn’t a legal will and he didn’t know if his dad would honor it.
Happily (in a sad way), his dad is honoring it and that is where the odd feeling comes. Since I’ve never experienced inheriting any money from a passed on relative, I’m struggling with what to feel about it. Of course, anyone would rather have their loved one back, than the money, but, unless you’re Bill Gates, most times the money is welcomed and truly needed. Since James has been off work and we’ve not even been able to pay rent this month, the money is…well, a gift from above, really. ((Thank you Mom B, God Bless!))
At first I think James was relieved. In two ways: one, that he didn’t have to anticipate a disagreement with his dad, and two, that a weight has been lifted because the money will do us so much good. We will be able to pay back rent, cable bill, cell phone bill that has been shut off since we couldn’t afford it and we’ll still have more than half left.
But again, there’s that bad feeling….guilt almost. I’m pretty sure James was feeling it too but didn’t want to say anything. It’s hard to get excited about it but wow, the feeling of that weight leaving is immense and…joyful. Things are finally going to be ok. With this money and James being back to work full time…it’s really going to be ok. I feel horrible to be almost giddy with that knowledge.
James, being the most unselfish man I know, just wants to get his hunting lisence…only a couple hundred dollars. Me, being a bit selfish, asked if we could get a new PC since this one is almost 7 or 8 years old. Hopefully he’ll agree since, while it’s not something we absolutely need, it’s not likely that this one will last much longer without problems and we may not be in this position in the future to outright purchase a new one. And Staples has some great desktops on sale for less than $800.00. Anyhow, it’s just a thought floating around right now.
I just hope eveything works out ok. I hope that James comes to accept the money as the gift I’m sure his mom intended it to be and not as a burden or ill gotten gain meant to cause him guilt or pain. I hope his mom and mine are resting peacefully above us. I hope…well, I guess I just hope.
Night all.
